Grouse Grynde Report - 4 August 2006

The good people of Kerrisdale and Kitsilano are tossing anxiously in their beds tonight, awaiting news of the results of the "B" sample test of Gned's and Gilman's bodily fluids following Friday's astounding grynde.

The new mandatory testing of all sub-45 minute grynders had come as a shock to Gned and Gilman, but they had chuckled upon learning that the laughable heaps of cash which Grouse was amassing via its $90 grynde passes and $14 burgers was being put into some interesting (if useless) technology. After all, they had nothing to hide, and peeing in tubes in the Altitudes Bistro while watching a lovely midsummer's sunset seemed ironic in light of the many pints of $7 piss that had been served on those very premises. Who knew that a test tube of urine would reveal that Gned was taking huge doses of synthetic testosterone, other androgenic steroids, EPO, adrenaline, cocaine and redbull.

"I'm so innocent it hurts," was Gned's emphatic response to reporters as he entered the McDonald's parking lot with Gilman (also disgraced by evidence that he had been blood-doping with athletic cats). "I reject these allegations unequivocally. The chemicals in my system are all endogenous - I'm a natural grynder."

"What about the cocaine?" demanded one reporter.

"I take that for my ass injury. I have a Therapeutic Use Exemption (TUE) for medicinal cocaine granted by Dr. Laszlo the Brutal."

"But your testosterone/epitestosterone ratio was 11:1. The highest recorded natural level is 4:1, and that was for some really hairy maniac caveman from Siberia. How do you explain that??"

"Water. I drink a lot of water. Hydration is key."

"-come again??"

"And sleep. One needs to sleep well to grynde well."

"-but that doesn't explain..."

Gilman jumped into the fray (after ordering his 2-cheeseburger meal and a shamrock shake) with his support. "The fact is that Gned and I are having our reputations attacked and besmirched by those Frenchies in North Van who don't like us 'westside' types coming over to their precious forests and showing them how the Grynde is done. It's a smear campaign. Most distasteful, really. They didn't do this when the Belgians were dominating the Grynde year after year."

"I don't think anyone from Belgium has ever done the..."

Gned waved the pesky reporter away. "Gilman's point is - we have nothing to hide. We will undergo extensive and unassailable testing to prove our innocence. Look, feel my wrist. Are you counting? My HR is like 38 and that's while I'm fuming mad at you and salivating over this Crispy Chicken Burger."

"But Mr. Gned," protested anchorman Steve Darling, "Pre-grynde reports have you complaining of a wedding the previous night, complete with rich desserts, beer, wine, champagne, deplorable behaviour, etc., followed by little sleep. And you and Gilman could barely keep the hackey sack off the ground in your warmup. How do you explain your time of 36:19, your best in four years?"

"The human body is hard to understand, Steve. I can't explain everything. But you're funny on that morning show. I like your bumbling style."

Gilman pushed the crowd aside, eager to eat his limp fries before they got any colder.

The grynders' B samples will be tested by an "independent" facility in Burnaby following the holiday weekend. If those tests are positive ... nothing will happen really since the grynders are not members of any amateur association and are not governed by any sporting body - they're just guys getting some exercise.

Grynde times for Friday, August 4:

Gned - 36:19
Gilman - 42:33
Others - *

* Rumours abound that certain other regulars gained inside information about the newly instituted mandatory drug testing on Grouse and thus kept away from the mountain for a number of unpersuasive (if not spurious) reasons, such as "My ankle hurts", "I'm in Germany", or "I'm folding my socks".